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07:13pm 01/05/2007
  I love you.
And not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends.
And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. And it's not because you're unattainable.
I love you.
Very simple, very truly.
You're the epitome of every attribute and quality I've ever looked for in another person.
I know you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you'd ever consider.
But I had to say it. I can't take this anymore.
I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you.
I can't look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels.
I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are.
I know this will probably queer our friendship -no pun intended- but I had to say it, because I've never felt this before, and I like who I am because of it.
And if bringing it to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me.
But I could'nt allow another day to go by without getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down.
And I'll accept that.
But I know some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitiation, that means you feel something too.
All I ask is that you not dismiss that -at least for ten seconds- and try to dwell in it.
Alyssa, there is'nt another soul on this fucking planet who's ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it's there between you and me.
you can't deny that.
And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which -while I do appreciate it-
I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.
 
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06:04pm 14/03/2007
  it smelled like summer today.

only 93 days or so. haha.







im completely indifferent to things right now.
i just want to act, sing, dance, listen, watch, read.
just be.
i don't want this stress, i want things to stop being complicated, i want people to stop being jerks.

i want things to be simple and innocent.

i dont know.


but what i DO know, is that people should break out into song and dance more. then life would be FANTASTIC.
 
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dreams are all you have-dreams have held you back   
02:10pm 03/03/2007
  what is it with being a teenager?

i suppose we're trying to find ourselves.



influences:
music.
media.
peers.
adults.
what came before.
what is coming.

i've guess i've done/wanted to the quintessential teenager things-cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, sex. just rebelling i guess.

we have too much pressure on us to be other things. to do things we shouldn't. to be unique, when really we're just conforming to every other rebel.


ugh. it all makes me sick.
 
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to-do list:   
08:37pm 18/01/2007
 
mood: crazy
prepare for the following midterms:
english
french
history
geometry
physics
guitar?(just a review of shit.)

do the outline for history i never did that is causing me a C+. oops.

get tested for mono. (damn rachel and her seduction of ms. sheldon!)

finish scheduling.

plan a birthday party.

get organized.

convince my mom to let me have carson's old room.

etc. etc.

WHY ISNT IT SUMMER?
 
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10:36pm 14/01/2007
  adam riffle is rather cute.  
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11:19pm 05/01/2007
  this could be something good.


for a change.



but i best not get my hopes up.
 
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10:29pm 29/12/2006
  WHY AM I SO FUCKING AWKWARD?!!?!?!?!?!?



I HATE SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
 
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05:22pm 07/12/2006
  im so incredibly sick of being an adolescent. its just such an disgusting state of being. and im not saying im more mature or less of one than others at all and that makes me more sick. the whole "dating" thing is retarded. part of that is my jealousy of the people who have it, but a lot of it is the fact that it actually is idiotic. i mean teenagers have such serious problems making good decisions thats it sad. dont you have common sense? dont you have willpower? dont you have a conscience? dont you know ANYTHING?


obviously not.
 
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10:37pm 23/10/2006
 

thats what happened to my mouth today.

i dont remember any of it.

but currently, i am in extreme amounts of pain.
 
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11:31pm 21/10/2006
  I WANT A FUCKING BOYFRIEND.






jesus christ.
 
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08:44pm 28/09/2006
  its so cliche to say
that even though we've been friends 24 hours everyday
this building filled with coporate billboards
may be tearing you all away.
i've waited to see
if all the so-thought lies they said we're true
if we would break our former wishes to remain the same
so we could change for all the people we never knew
and who would be there to blame?
which breakaway would be at fault
which one of us would tear it all apart.
or would it not even come to that?
seperated, without words,
so none of us are ever heard.
the webs of friendship lost in the dust,
the memories and scrapbooks shut.
nine years thrown away,
for friends that wouldn't even last a day.
 
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no direction.   
11:48pm 18/09/2006
  when its cold does your soul get hard?
does your body ache?
do you want to stop?
when its warm do you lay awake?
listening to the birds make love?
when you swim does the ocean swell?
and pulsate through your skin?
does it make you toss and turn about?
wondering why it feels so good?
when the rain falls lightly on your car,
do you keep on driving or do you turn around?
when the snow falls down do you groan and moan,
that you'll never get home on time?
when the sky grows dark and all thats left is a moon shining on a lake,
do you take the second to look upon it and notice that,
if the cars still go. and the gasoline flows. and you throw paper and plastic away.
you'll never know that the nature grows even after you aren't awake.
 
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advanced proficient my ass.   
05:07pm 24/08/2006
  why am i so dumb?



















why am i letting a standardized test make me doubt myself?
 
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11:36pm 29/06/2006
  "i don't want to do this again"

applies to so many things.
 
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today's gonna be the day they're gonna give it back to you.   
08:15pm 23/06/2006
  my grandfather is dying.


were going to north carolina next week to say goodbye.




someone kill me now.


parting is such sweet sorrow that i'll say goodnight till it be morrow.


ironic.


cuz there's no tomorrow.
 
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08:15pm 14/05/2006
  i re-arragned my room.



if only i could re-arange my life.
 
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11:57pm 30/04/2006
  Boyfriends are a waste of time.



We were a waste of time.





i hate him.


i hate me.


fuck it.
 
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10:03pm 25/04/2006
  I'm never good.









fucking a.
 
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not a rap or poem or song. JUST WORDS.   
08:50pm 09/04/2006
  let things come as they come.
life moves ahead.
i won't be dumb.
i won't be dead.

i need things to be incharge of themselves.
i dont want to control life,
for once i dont want to be boss.

im good with letting things work themselves out.
because living with no care,
is better than living itself.

things are good lately.
im not gonna stress.
everything will workout for the best.

i dont believe in god or fate
i believe in myself and the human race.
 
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Beauty in the Breakdown.   
06:39pm 02/04/2006
  i'm really happy.

<333

its nice to be happy for once.
 
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